I am not going to whinge and whine in 2023 but…

At some point in your life you have to take a long hard look at yourself. That point for me is now. I am sorry if I am not making any sense but I am too busy trying to be so many different things that I am not being the one thing that I most need to be… ME.

No surprise there, I know that I am not the only one. I would ask you to leave a comment down below if you can feel me, if you get what I am saying, if you know where I am coming from but the truth is that if you know any of those things then you won’t leave a comment. You may nod your head knowingly but you will then scroll along with your life.

I get it. I can’t touch you. I don’t touch you because I don’t even touch myself. (I don’t mean in the biblical sense) I mean touch my heart, smell the air, the flowers, sniff the salt of the sea, none of it. I barely have time these days to walk my poor old dog, never mind spend any quality time with those around me, not even me.

As I do every year I set out to improve myself. Last year I did. I created a new business, I worked at a wages job earning a regular income while I stayed up late at night working on what I call our future finances. Last year I wrote a new book during NaNoWriMo, I published a new book and some other stuff..

I didn’t start eating properly, exercising regular, sticking to a regular yoga practise, using my aromatherapy oils daily, my crystals or my tarot and do not even get me started on my much attention I didn’t give at all to Reiki! Fuck all of that shit I am too busy!!! I have to make plans, work schedules, family schedules, cook and clean the house, care for the dogs, go to work, pay the bills, create, create, create. I have to prove myself, be the best at my game. I have to know everything. I have to read blogs, books, listen to podcasts and more books, take courses and watch everything. I am fifty two and I have fallen behind.

I don’t have time for counting calories, carbs, nutrients, exercises and reps, I no longer namaste, my soul does not soar, my feet are not grounded, I don’t feel supported my mother earth and father sky has long left the building. I cannot remember the last time I went to bed at the same time as my husband, well a time that we went to bed together when I wasn’t so tired that my lights were out the second my head hit the pillow.

Honestly I cannot think about my relationships with others right now. I don’t have the energy to heal the rifts that have come between me and those around me for no other reason other than my constant state of busyness. I have to give to me now. My cup, my bucket, myself is empty.

Don’t get me started on menopause, my older aunt is here now with a vengeance and sometimes I just want everyone to shut the fuck up.

My blog, in case you forgot the title, is Body Peace Writer. It is what I once strived to achieve. Before I was in a car accident, before my heart was broken and before the pandemic. I wanted to merge my life as an alternate therapist, yoga teacher and writer. I wanted to live one big happy namaste, eight limbed, rakeed up, crystal cleansing, essential oil lathered writer.

I was so sure that 2022 was going to be my year. You know to get my shit together. But I developed a hip issue, it has a fancy ‘itis’ word attached to it but I am pretty sure it is because I am overweight and sit on arse all day. I am a writer. What else am I going to do when I am not at my day job? I sit and snack while I work to keep myself awake. Then when it is finally time to sleep, I can’t. I take a pill, then it is hard to wake up- you know the cycle if you have read this far.

Currently I am on – hormone replacement therapy, anti-inflammatory, norgesics; analgesics; antihistamines; metformin and anti anxiety meds. Most of which started after the car accident. Most of which I suspect I wouldn’t need if I lived my true existence.

There is no perfect scenario where I am going to fix myself. I can’t runaway to a health farm or retreat in a cave in the mountains of Nepal. I have a life to live here, I have responsibilities here and work to get done away from my wages job. I have to find a way of integrating all that I want with all that I can do. There are only so many hours in a day and I have to use some of them for being a better friend to me.

Of course you and I both know that I would have never started writing this post if I had not already started on a plan. I have to squeeze some good shit into my everyday. I have found a healer, yoga teacher, mentor. I have had two sessions with her and a couple of weeks dotted with some decent crying times. The first week she sent me home with crystals, the next aromatherapy blends all designed to heal my heart and send the negativity away. Next week she is giving me an energy healing and I start weekly yoga classes with her on Wednesday. So its a start. It is a push in the right direction. I am not looking to push bad things out of my life, I am aiming to bring more of the good things in. I am searching for a balance I can live with.

I love a chai latte with a bar of white chocolate on the side, perfectly cooked salted potato chips in a buttery roll, chocolate at room temperature and cheese boards, and none of these things will be left behind any time soon.

Namaste beautiful writers, it all starts with the little things. Wish me luck!

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Meditating with Mala Beads

 

beaded mediation

Mala (Sanskrit for meditation garland) beads have been used as both a prayer and meditation tool for thousands of years.  Traditionally Mala beads consist on 108 wooden beads plus one guru bead that  signifies that you have come full circle, it is added in addition to the 108 beads and is often different in shape or colour and decorated with the knot of the necklace often ending in the shape of a lotus.

Mala beads are used for Japa meditation, that is a meditation practice that uses each bead to count the repetition of a mantra.  This practice involves:

  • taking hold of the beads in your hands in front of you beginning with the first bead to the right of the guru bead.
  • inhale, exhale repeating your mantra out loud or silently in your mind.
  • move to the next bead and repeat
  • when you reach the guru bead, pause and reflect on your practice, if you wish to continue trace the beads back the way you came, inhaling, exhaling and repeating your mantra at every bead.

Today in class we took our mantras from Louise Hays affirmation cards. We choose our cards by shuffling the deck, and cutting the pack in two, taking the card we are immediately directed to, no matter how challenging the advice may be.

My card for today is pictured above and reads:

As I forgive myself, it becomes easier to forgive others.

This resonated deeply with me today as we are going through some, let us say personality struggles with a particular person that is distantly related to our karate business. It is easy to take offense to the actions and words of another person, to let their actions well up on you.  But to what end? Buddha said:

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die

Diseases brought on by stress will manifest within us when we hold onto anger, hurt, and regret, what do we gain by holding onto this negativity?  When faced with an opponent you cannot win over, not because they are better than you, not because they are right and you are wrong (nothing is ever that black and white) but because they refuse to accept you, simple.  Another person within our association refuses to accept me, and because it literally bears no consequence on who I am and how I behave there is no point being upset or angry, or of choking on my own poison.  Instead I will practice forgiveness, whilst staying within the boundaries of my own security. More so I will forgive myself for all those things we deserve to be forgiven for, not working hard enough, loosing direction, self doubt, eating cake, not walking long enough, buying new books when I have a stack to read, not getting enough sleep and so on.

The primary word on the card is forgive, my mantra is “I Forgive”.  Take the beads in both hands, start with the bead left of the guru bead, hold the first bead between your thumb and forefinger  and inhale, as you exhale repeat your mantra, take hold of the next bead and repeat working your way around the mala until you return to the guru bead.  Take a few moments to reflect on your practice.  If it helps, wear your mala bracelet on your right hand to remind you throughout the day of your good intention.

Namaste`

 

Buy your own beautiful Fair Trade Rosewood Mala Beads here..

Mala Beads

 

Louise L Hay
Power Thought Cards

Powerful Thought Cards

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Louise Hay, I Can Do It Cards,

Louise L. Hay, the internationally renowned author of You Can Heal Your Life, brings you 60 affirmation cards on a variety of subjects, including romance, wealth, health, forgiveness, creativity, stress, job success, and self-esteem. Post these cards in your home, workplace, car . . . or give them to friends and family. They’re sure to give you an enhanced sense of joy, power, and contentment!

Get your cards here…

Leaning In…

I have been doing a lot of research for my next writing project during lock down.  The phrase ‘lean in’ has come up surprisingly often.

The message I am receiving from the universe is clearly to ‘lean in‘. Accept the good, the bad and the downright painful.  Take the disappointments and breathe.  How does it feel, and what changes when we move into into pain?

We are not meant to swallow emotional pain, to choke it into the backs of our throat and pretend it is not there.  We are not equipped to ignore ongoing emotional pain.  It will sneak up on us in the middle of the night, it will keep us waking, tossing and turning and praying uselessly for the oblivion of sleep. Emotional pain will close our muscles tight to our frame, numb our nerves, tighten our chest, our jaw, our temples.  Stomach juices will churn, appetites will shift in extremes and our concentration will vanish. There are too many manifestations of emotional stress on the human body to mention here.

Naturally we want to push the painful thing aside, rub our wounds and search for why it happened.  Time and time again we will take the blame upon ourselves.  A friend could comment that we look tired, and we will think it is because you have not put yourself to together enough, you are wearing the wrong clothes, you are too fat, too old and too past it.  A lover may be unfaithful to you and instantly you think that it was because you were lacking, you are not enough and you failed to satisfy him/her.  A parent may have neglected you and so you tell yourself that it was because you were unlovable.  I call this surface blame, and I have wasted a lot of time trying to fix myself up as a result of the behavior of others.

Emotional pain takes time to fester, we need to sit with it and lean on it to get through.  It requires faith to get us through to the other side.  On the way there you will beat the brow of insecurity, fear and self-betrayal.  You may never forgive the people that drove you there, but you can come out of the other side a stronger and more resilient manifestation of you. But only if you do the work and lean in, take a deep breath and dive through the pain.

When I was a child I use to climb on the roof of our stilted house and hide from the world.  I could hear the busyness in the house below and the traffic running along the main road we lived on.  I could also see the down through the tops of the trees and into our neighbours manicured yards.

One day I was sure I could reach down and pick a red hibiscus flower from the tree that grew next to the house.  I was sitting crossed legged and reached forward down past the gutter towards the flower.  I stretched my arm, leaned forwards and reached in with my whole body.  The flower was much further than I anticipated, it didn’t matter how far I stretched myself, or how hard I tried in that moment to be more than I was there wasn’t enough of me. I tumbled forwards and landed heavily on the paved concrete path below. My foot caught in the guttering and pulled it down. The crash of the gutter caused my dad to come outside.  This was back in the seventies before everyone knew first aid. I was winded. He picked up and held me, rubbing my back, encouraging my lungs to breathe.  I was left with some bruising and scratches but nothing serious.

That fall, that tumbling, that feeling of having all my breath my prana literally knocked out of me, is what my emotional pain feels like and why it is so hard to lean into it.  Self preservation kicks in – “everything will be alright if only I…”

  • Be quiet
  • Try harder
  • Apologise
  • Agree
  • Make a promise
  • Pretend to understand
  • Whatever else it may take for peace…

How often do we fall, hit hard, loose our breath and dust ourselves off as if the blow didn’t strike home? We ignore the pain, we are only human and will do whatever we can, to make it go away.  However, the answer is to lean into it. Imagine stepping into a cold ocean.  Inch yourself into it. Through the waves that will shock you, the rocks and shells beneath the water sticking into your sinking feet, and the something that slimes past your leg that your eyes didn’t catch. You have to keep your wits about you. There are actual sharks in the ocean, real dangers and things that will bite you. There is also beauty, calm and reassurance in the reliability of the ebb and the flow of the ocean, the cool water on your skin, the salt air in your nostrils.

Beach

You don’t have to lean in by yourself, seek help.  Find a counsellor, use a journal, draw, write, practice meditation and yoga.  Take steps to take care of yourself.  On days where it all seems too difficult to explore do simple things, take a shower, sort a drawer, cook a meal from scratch, go out for a meal, sleep, watch a movie, walk the dog or stroke the cat.  What ever it takes to remind you of a simple pleasure in life.

There are no quick fixes. It is only when you begin to breathe again that you can let go, move forward and keep going.  Yes, like it or not you have to lean into the pain to find out what is on the other side of it.  Changing yourself will not make a person faithful, a parent love you or a friend like your freaky taste in clothing.  Leaning in to pain will help you to become more authentic, to trust in yourself and your decisions, to learn that you are enough.

“Let yourself be seen. Love with your whole heart. Practice gratitude. Lean into joy. Believe you are enough” Brene Brown.

Practical help is always available:

Yoga – find a teacher, look out for my online classes coming soon, contact me, reach out, leave a comment below.

Listen to music

Journal

Pray, meditate, practice heart yoga.

Counselling – start here at https://www.beyondblue.org.au 

Overall, practice loving kindness to yourself.

Namaste xx

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Writing Begins with the Breath..

Writing Begins with the Breath by Laraine Herring.

I have just been introduced to Laraine Herring and her wonderful book on writing, ‘Writing Begins with the Breath‘.   It is one of my new go to books for blending body health with the practice of writing.  Her authentic style and mastery of the topic comes across on every page.  It is a lovely read, and left me feeling better for having taking it in.

“Writing Begins with the Breath will open up a whole world of creativity for people who may not have considered themselves writers before, while also providing keen insights into the craft for seasoned writers.”

I have put my highlighted, sticky noted, pencil drawn copy next to Stephen King’s On Writing, and Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic on my desk.   Laraine Herring took me on a journey that will deepen my prose and allow me to move further into each story I tell.

I will read it again soon, like a treasured classic I will take pleasure in absorbing myself in her wisdom again.

Thank you Laraine.

Writing Begins with the Breath

Laraine Herring Website.